Saying goodbye is one of the hardest processes to go through, and it can be even more difficult when the separation is expected to be permanent, like a break-up or ending a friendship. Even when you are still hanging onto some hope of reconciliation, dwelling on the past, or comparing someone new to the old relationship, simply knowing that “it takes time” is often not good enough to help us get through the most painful moments. We have created a list below of how to move on from a relationship. Stay strong, kings and queens!

Have you ever wondered what creates the physical chemistry between you and your partner? Although it might seem mysterious, the road to passion and intimacy is actually paved with clear signposts if we allow ourselves to examine our own preferences and inhibitions. Whether you are quarantined with a partner, living your best single life, loving someone from a distance, or anything else in between, now is a great time to gain some extra insight beyond “u up??”

Are you single and ready to socially-distantly mingle? Perhaps you are...struggling with heightened feelings of loneliness, lack of control, and don’t even know how to put it all into words? Well, we’re here to auction off some support and actions to take in this unprecedented turn of events. Although you might be feeling lonely (which is totally and completely understandable), you are not alone, and it is okay that #wearenotokay.

In 1995, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schrut presented the dual process model of grief to fill in the gaps created by the more commonly utilized stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). They described the grieving process as an oscillation between loss-oriented activities and restoration-oriented activities, or in emotional terms, alternating between avoiding the loss and confronting it. Oftentimes it might seem like we are “supposed” to get the grieving process over with and “move on” in some way, but Stroebe and Schrut argued that the messiness of denial, recovery, suppression, and renewal are actually healthy components to grief.

As a continuation of our deep-dive into Asian American women in STEM, we have invited Melinda, a Ph.D. student at CalTech to share her experience. Melinda’s family is located in China, which can occasionally amplify the generation gap due to east-west differences. Just like Cindy’s post from last week highlights the stark difference in male privilege, we hope that Melinda’s journey can inspire other international women to pursue their passions despite what tradition might say.

This week’s blog post is brought to you by Cindy Chen, my roommate and fellow wildcat from Northwestern University. There were 3 men in my graduate program of 27, and I noticed myself feeling somewhat socially isolated at times, especially from my privileged experience of working in mostly male-dominated fields before. However, my social interactions at Northwestern did not negatively impact how other people evaluated my work, nor did it present any barriers when it came to applying for jobs or advancing as a therapist. As society continues to push for gender equality, we have become more aware of the systemic microaggressions that women in the STEM field face every day throughout their careers. Recognizing the continued privilege that I carry in our patriarchal system challenges me to continuously make space for other voices to be heard in their own words and context. 

There are posts going up left and right about COVID-19, the anxieties of social distancing, and the disarray of medical infrastructure in the United States. As job security and income is threatened, the stress of maintaining routine normalcy can seem utterly overwhelming. Rather than add to the list of anxiety-management tools from some awesome therapists (see here, here, and here), we thought this might be a good time to pause from the daily grind and explore what you could do when your world has shrunk to the four walls of home. Hang in there and stay healthy fam! *elbow bump*

When was the last time you had an argument (aka “big talk”) with someone? Communication is a big buzzword that we hear about frequently in relational therapy sessions, whether between a parent and child or a couple in conflict. In the midst of an argument with someone that you love, it can be very difficult to pause and examine the words that are flying out of your mouth, let alone reflect on what it is that you are asking to change. DEAR is a simple yet effective acronym that can help organize one’s thoughts in preparation of big conversations. While having a structured way of addressing concerns might not seem as “fun” as a spontaneous interaction, if the end goal is a stronger relationship, then this tool can just be a temporary stepping stone.

Becoming a therapist is a pretty big career decision. Even though we are both super grateful for the education that we received, there are some questions that we wish we would have asked ourselves before investing 2+ years into this journey. If you are considering a career as a marriage and family therapist, social worker, or clinical counselor, here are some questions to think about before applying for graduate school. 

Following up on last week’s discussion about some challenges in the therapist’s guide to dating, we thought we would spend some time looking at the positives and perks of dating as a therapist. Full disclaimer, we are not perfect therapists and definitely not perfect partners. As much as we try to fulfill the aspects listed below, there are times when we struggle and have to check ourselves (before we wreck ourselves...and our relationships). That being said, it feels pretty great to know that the work we have dedicated these past few years to is actively benefiting our own relational patterns.

You’re on Tinder and see an attractive person. You swipe right. Holy cow, you connected! After a bit of flirting and some innuendo while chatting, there it is, the big question.

“So what do you do?”

“I’m a marriage and family therapist.”

“Oh...you’re a therapist...So, are you, like, psychoanalyzing me right now?!”

Cue the eye rolls and sarcastic internal yell.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! Whether you are happily in committed non-monogamy or forever alone, we have some green flags for multicultural relationships based on the reactions to our previous post. In case you’re like “who are these kids?!?!?!,” we are two Asian American marriage and family therapists based in California. In between our different jobs, we collaborate on pieces that seek to explore the cultural framework of what it looks like to be Asian in America, while also making mental health resources a little bit more accessible (and a little less stigmatized). Feel free to reach out to either Kevin or Shannon for support! (Or if you’re not a fan of our writing, let us know. We appreciate feedback.)

We get it. Opening up to someone and seeking help for your mental health can be a really daunting process. What if they totally miss the mark? What if you end up feeling worse than when you started? How do you even know what to look for when calling to schedule an appointment?

We wrote out this quiz in good fun, but the reality is that many of us (and our families) tend to define our worth based on these arbitrary conditions. There is an invisible pressure from our culture, community, and core beliefs to not only be our personal best at all times, but also somehow be happy, fulfilled, and grateful.

So much of my background has been influenced by leaders and activists who stood up for Civil Rights, and in turn brought me more freedom as a minority in the United States. Growing up, I definitely felt a stronger connection to TV shows and movies that featured Black leads and Black families, such as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, the Cosby Show, BarberShop, Coach Carter, and Boyz in the Hood just to name a few. Upon watching BET, I would resonate with the importance placed on family bonds, while also longing for the physical affection demonstrated by Black aunts and mothers.

I once read that red flags just look like flags when you have rose-colored glasses on. While it’s probably true that warning signs might be harder to spot in the early stages of the relationship, as strengths-based therapists, we are all about identifying the green flags, which are indications that the other person is a quality partner. Below are three green flags that might especially resonate with members of the Asian-American community.

We are all familiar with the cycle of setting new year’s resolutions, going hard at it for maybe a day, or a week, or even a month, and then falling off the wagon only to never pick it up again. Maintaining new habits is hard, especially if they are uncomfortable or require some level of sacrifice. This week’s post is going to be a slight departure from our usual therapeutic vibe, because sometimes you just have to suck it up, and more importantly, find someone that will help you to stick with it.

This year for me was all about focusing on the bigger picture, navigating romantic relationships, and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. While not making a high salary after graduate school, I remind myself that once licensure happens I will feel confident about my career choice. I suffered heartbreak in 2018, and it took a lot of guidance from friends and my therapist to help me through the loss. I never knew that social anxiety has kept me from a lot of different career opportunities. 

The holidays are just around the corner, but if we are being honest, they are not merry and bright for everyone. Sometimes they can trigger feelings of sorrow due to loss, other times, they might bring up heightened feelings of anxiety given the crowded family time. Between fending off questions about your personal life, addressing the comments about your weight, and responding to remarks about your career trajectory, the holiday season is a great time to examine those social anxiety levels, or rather, what we are doing to manage them.

Contrary to how I might present in photos or public events, there are a lot of challenging thought processes that go on underneath, many of which I have learned to address through therapeutic skills. By breaking the skills down into pre-casting, casting, and post-casting, I hope that you will be able to utilize some of these techniques in your own career path.